You are welcome for that moment of happy. But last night I get this text:
The problem is in the balance of power and control. Bless Sassy's parents. As parents we live under the false idea that we can control all aspect of our children's life. There are not enough M&Ms to make a child potty in a pink, singing Minnie Mouse potty if they don't want to. In Sassy's case she is just smart enough to have figured out that she is n control of this one.
Sassy 1 - Parents 0
Power and control is one of the biggest bane's to man's existence. Human beings have sought power over our world through control since the beginning of time yet almost always we aren't smart enough to know when not having control is actually sometimes better.
Take Adam and Eve. They had it made! No work, beautiful landscaped yard. And the top Whole Foods Market at their finger tips. But they wanted power, control and that meant eating that one item on the shelves that was off limits. It was off limits because it would give them even more desire to have power and control. It was the fruit of knowledge of good AND evil. Once they ate and knew then they had to try to control their surroundings. They had to hide shame, lie, work the garden...all for the sake of one small taste of control.
Control is a powerful drug. A little goes a long way and a little creates the desire for more. We parents are the worse. we actually believe we can control our children's behavior with punishment, manipulation and reward; all forms of control. I am not advocating free range parenting as that creates a lock of self control which results in chaos. But there are some steps to understanding and living in a balance of control.
1. You cannot control the actions of others.
You may be able to elicit a desirable outcome but ultimately the control was in the choice of the person or people you are trying to control. They chose to do what you wished.
Help People Make the Right Choice
2. Total control is imaginary.
I don't know how many times in my life I thought I had total control until someone or something came along and upset that apple cart. While we can control ourselves, we can not control the entire planet. Being rigid disables us from shifting when the world shifts.
Take Care of You and Learn to Be Flexible
3. Question your desire for control.
Pay attention when you are exerting control. Ask yourself why you need to be in control in this particular situation. Sometimes we control out of fear of the unknown or a weakness to handle what could happen. Learning to conquer fear and cope with our surroundings is better than trying to control the world. Getting support to work through the things in life that stress us, defeat us and set us back is much better that creating an environment of control to try to keep life from happening.
Learn to Cope and Work Through YOUR Stuff
So... what is Sassy's mom to do? Since all systems are go then she chose to be flexible and go back to diapers. She isn't giving up. It isn't really her fight anyway. But she knows Sass wants to wear big girl panties not diapers so she is helping this little girl make the right choice; panties mean potty. Potty training (or most hurdles in life) do not have to be achieved at some magical moment. Being flexible keeps mom from going crazy and ramping up the control which is an illusion. She had to ask herself - who is this deadline for? Is it for me or some parenting magazine or for Sassy girl to reach a new level of self confidence.
Lest you think this blog is about potty training let me be clear. It is about YOU, ME - all of us. Whether we are trying to make others use a toilet instead of a diaper or a child kick a bad habit or a co-worker do a better job - we all are in danger of falling into the lure of control. Don't do it! Back away! Just take care of you!
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